How to destroy a new teacher
Written by Lee J. Mavin
Now some kids might think it’s easy to make a new teacher burst into tears on their first week. Most of them come in nervous and are usually young and fresh out of university. They make silly mistakes like turning their back to us, ignoring us when we want attention and the most common: trying to be cool and interested in what we like. These teachers provide no challenge for me. I destroy them in days, sometimes even in hours. First I get everyone to hate them, then I drive them crazy and then they either quit or transfer to another school. But there are some teachers who have this unbreakable positivity about them. It sickens me when these types come into my classroom smiling and trying to brainwash everybody into thinking they are super cool. These so-called good teachers make kids believe that they care about their future and never get angry or upset at bad behavior. I have made it my mission at school to destroy the best teachers. It is my primary goal to get them all to quit and leave us in peace.
So now I’m going to tell you how I completely destroyed, possibly one of the best teachers to enter our school. I’m telling you this so you can learn the ways too. Let us make the classroom ours! Hey, why not make the whole school ours. Teachers don’t care about us, they are only here because they couldn’t get any other jobs and the holidays are good.
First Step: make everyone hate them
Mr. Yamaguchi was that teacher. He came into our class for the first time on a Friday morning which of course meant he had it tough from the beginning. On Friday mornings we were at our worst. We were all excited about the weekend and couldn’t wait until the day ended. I was doing the usual: making paper airplanes out of everybody’s homework and throwing them up into the fan, which I turned up to full speed. Great fun! And it’s a bonus when it makes some nerdy girl cry who actually cares about doing homework. That Friday was a great success because I managed to snatch tiny little Cindy Wong’s Creative writing homework and throw it up into the fan too. It must have been a masterpiece of a poem because when it came falling down in little pieces over her perfect little piggy tales she started squealing like a baby.
She stopped crying as soon as Mr. Yamaguchi stepped into the classroom. He already looked like he had a plan for me, so calm.
He went straight to Cindy Wong and said, ‘Good morning, I’m Mr. Yamaguchi,’ he picked up the pieces of her homework so fast I couldn’t see his hands move he then added, ‘I can put this back together at lunch don’t worry, I have this cool new contacting machine in the staff room just these occasions.’
Cindy Wong smiled and wiped her face. She said looking up to him, ‘Oh good, it’s my poem, it took me ages to write. Oh sorry I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Cindy Wong.’ She even bowed probably thinking it would get her ahead seeing as Mr. Yamaguchi was Japanese.
He turned to me still calm and said, ‘I can tell straight away what sport you play.’
I sighed. This was his attempt to become my buddy. No teacher had succeeded previously so he was fighting a battle he couldn’t win. He had already singled me out as a target, a problem child. So this was his way to remedy the problem. The so-called good teachers tried to be your friend. With me it never worked though, I don’t want to be friends with a teacher, we are way too different. We will never truly understand each other and that’s how it always should be.
I replied in my most offensive angry voice, ‘Oh yeah, what?’
He said smiling, ‘You play basketball! Am I right?’
He was right, I replied, ‘Wow good guess!’
Anyone could have guessed basketball seeing as I was at least a foot taller than anyone else in the class.
He said, ‘Don’t tell me you like Kobe and the Lakers, I hate them!’
He was right again and I already hated him. Big deal, half the kids that played on the basketball team followed the Lakers, they were the most popular NBA team in the world. Nice try, but that kind of lame attempt to fake an interest in what I like would never work.
But he had some of the class interested already. Some kids were gathered around us waiting for Mr. Yamaguchi to say something next.
He started rubbing his head and humming, trying to be funny. Some of the girls laughed. He said, ‘You’re the point guard of the 7th grade team! He pointed to me asking, ‘Am I right?’
I nodded. Yes, he was right, again. There is only five positions on a basketball team anyway. Lucky guess. I muttered, ‘Yes.’
Then he started laughing and pulled the school newsletter from out of his briefcase. He turned around showing the class a photo of me scoring a lay-up.
He said, ‘No I was faking it the whole time. I just read the newsletter. Great work Jung Wei, scoring twenty one points!’ he clapped and gestured everyone else to clap with him. ‘My high school career high was a measly nineteen so you’re already better than me at thirteen!’
This had the class talking and laughing. It was sickening. But he got my age wrong. I was twelve. I had a chance to attack.
I muttered, ‘I’m still twelve. Where can we find a teachers newsletter so we can find out how lame you really are!’
My friend and partner Jimmy let out, ‘Owwwww’ for extra impact.
This Mr. Yamaguchi was never going to be my friend. Trying to be funny on his first day wasn’t going to change a thing. He had some of the girls on his side already so we had to work quickly.
On the first week he already had everyone convinced he was a good teacher. We spent the whole day playing his so-called educational activities which everyone except for me and Jimmy enjoyed.
I tried my best to get the nerds on my side; A tactic that had worked many times in the past. I shouted out, ‘Sir, I’m sure this hasn’t got anything to do with our exams that are coming up soon.’ And, ‘what a waste of time, shouldn’t we be doing some real work!’
But Mr. Yamaguchi was gaining the upper-hand. No one was listening to my complaints. They were too busy having fun, competing in the new activities that Mr. Yamaguchi had set up. This guy was a fresh new face in the classroom and too good looking to get most of the girls on my side. They were already looking at him strangely. Cindy Wong had even moved her desk up to the front to be closer to him.
During the week Mr. Yamaguchi continued his propaganda campaign of bribery and deceit. He had the girls convinced that every word he said was valuable and the nerds were soon to follow. He had his Worlds Best Student reward system that was getting everyone really motivated apart from me and Jimmy of course. Mr. Yamaguchi had made a huge chart with every student’s name on it. Everyone wanted another point under their name to go to their tally so that they could become Worlds Best Student for the week. Surprise, surprise Cindy Wong was leading the tally in the first week.
On the following Friday everyone was really impressed when Mr. Yamaguchi presented Cindy Wong with an extra large snickers bar. He said, ‘Now everyone give Cindy a round of applause!’ everyone did except Jimmy and I.
He said, ‘Next week, the World’s Best Student will get two chocolates!’
This excited everyone and even though I loved snickers I didn’t want his prize. I knew he was trying to trick everyone. He was just bribing us to be quiet so he can relax in his chair and do nothing. But I wasn’t getting much support in my protests. The classroom was growing quiet. Something had to be done.
Step two: Create a false sense of hope
By the second week I realized Mr. Yamaguchi was going to be very difficult to destroy. It would take time to bring him down. I knew I had to find a weakness because time was running out. In a couple of months he wouldn’t be a new teacher anymore and the whole would love him.
I got what I wanted the following week. After studying his every movement and listening to every detail, I discovered a weakness. You see, in History we were studying unit on Feudal Japan. Mr. Yamaguchi of course being from Japan himself had already gotten the class into Japanese History with stories of violent wars between Samurais.
I knew I had my chance to destroy him when he made the big mistake of bringing something wrapped in black silk with silver Japanese characters on it.
He had everybody focused on it just be raising it above his head and as he took the silk off I knew straight away I had a big chance.
He said, ‘This is a Samurai sword from Kyoto!’
The sword gleamed from a raise of sunshine and had everyone’s mouth hanging wide open. Mine included.
He added, ‘This is what Samurai used to slice and stab each other to death with!’
I knew straight away I needed that sword.
But then he said, ‘Oh I know what you are thinking. It’s too dangerous to bring to school right? Wrong the blade isn’t sharp at all. I had it worn down before I brought it here of course. I can’t have you going around slicing each other to pieces can I?’
But the sword still gave me hope.
When he said, ‘At the moment I can’t let any of you hold this sword for obvious reasons, but if I can gain your trust I’ll be happy to lend it to a student. In fact, I want the next Worlds Best Student to take care of the sword for a whole day!’ My hope doubled.
He had given me the perfect plan. I had to be the next Worlds Best Student to get that sword.
This, however, was easier said than done. It would take a whole lot of faking and sucking up to get my hands on that sword. But I was prepared to do anything in order to complete my mission. I would never give up.
Step 3: Deceive and destroy!
The next day I straightened up my tie for the first time before school. I informed Jimmy of my plans and assigned him a task. He loyally supported and agreed with my idea.
Before even entering the classroom, I stopped outside and bowed to Mr. Yamaguchi. He greeted my bow with a calm smile.
I said to him, ‘Ohayoo Gozaimasu’
This surprised him. The night before I had memorized some basic Japanese phrases. This would help my rise to the World’s Best Student. I wasn’t an unintelligent student. I could remember anything if I really needed to. In fact I did well in class when I wanted to and it was then that I needed to reveal to Mr. Yamaguchi my hidden talents.
That week wasn’t easy at all. It required a lot of fake smiles, raising my hand and waiting (which I could never do before), co-operating with students I really hated especially Cindy Wong and actually doing some school work.
My hands were tired from writing. My eyes were sore from reading. Even my cheeks were aching from putting on a constant smile for Mr. Yamaguchi, but it was all worth it. He was taking the bait. I noticed him putting points next to my name more and more. Gradually the points added up as I gained confidence and got used to faking it. Soon I was leading the class.
That Wednesday Mr. Yamaguchi whispered to me, ‘I think you’re a shoo-in for the World’s Best Student this week Jung Wei, keep it up!’ and nudged me on the shoulder.
I gave him a real smile and replied in Japanese, ‘Arigato Gozaimasu,’ to impress him even more.
On Thursday we put our plan into full force. I had been staying up every night until at least three A.M studying Japanese and Samurai History. I came across the perfect information just in time.
Thursday morning Jimmy and I had started our performance just before we knew Mr. Yamaguchi would arrive. We danced around the room swinging imaginary swords, shouting Japanese at each other. The other kids thought we were crazy. When Mr. Yamaguchi opened the door we made our move.
‘Ouch!’ I yelled grabbing my wrist. ‘You sliced my hand off!’
Jimmy then bowed to me to show respect, ‘I must die honorably, please allow me to commit Seppuku?’
Jimmy replied, ‘Hai!’
Then I saw Mr. Yamaguchi smile as I reenacted Seppuku, I stabbed the imaginary sword into my stomach and fell to the ground with a convincing groan.
He clapped his hands and said, ‘Yes Seppuku is a very honorable way to die for the Samurai. Great performance, both of you!’
Coming back to life I sprung to my feet, ‘Thank you Mr. Yamaguchi. Can we study more about Seppuku today please sir?’
His answer was crucial to my plan.
He remained calm as usual and replied, ‘I’m sure we’ll be able to fit something in. It’s a cool topic so I’ll make time for it if everyone is well-behaved.’
So that day went on exactly how we planned it. Mr. Yamaguchi didn’t realize it, but he was being played. I was controlling the class that day and I was choosing what was being learnt. I just kept asking about Samurai stuff and he kept answering. When we were meant to be studying Math, we talked about the number of Samurai in Kyoto, when we were meant to be studying Geography we were looking at maps of ancient Japan and seeing which samurai controlled the most land. It was basically the day of the Samurai. But most of all we focused on the Samurai’s honor. A samurai would prefer to die with honor than to have an enemy kill them. I actually thought this was cool and even though I hated Mr. Yamaguchi I enjoyed the lesson and the information he gave us.
Jimmy and I made sure to ask plenty of questions about stabbing and killing. We dragged the topic on with graphic descriptions of bloody battles and even ending up talking about Seppuku for an hour.
We went home that day making sure everything was ready. We whispered our plan on the bus home eagerly waiting for Friday morning. That night I prepared myself for my mission. I meditated in my room for hours just like a Samurai would have done before a battle.
Friday was the last day Mr. Yamaguchi taught our class. Our mission to destroy another so-called good teacher worked perfectly that day.
Mr. Yamaguchi awarded me Worlds Best Student that morning. He looked proud and pleased say, ‘Well-done Jung Wei, you’re the best student this week. Plus seeing as you’re so into the way of the Samurai I present to you this: The Samurai sword!’
Everybody applauded as he handed me the sword still wrapped in its silk. He didn’t have a clue. I continued being a fake teachers’ pet by being extra nice to everyone in class. I even helped Cindy Wong with her Math homework. All that time the Samurai sword sat safely under my desk until lunchtime.
At lunchtime Jimmy did his duty like a true friend should. You see he had written a fake letter saying he needed an hour off school to go to the dentist. The forging of his mothers’ signature had been perfected over the years just for important times like that. Mr. Yamaguchi believed the letter.
Jimmy also conveniently brought a huge gym bag to school that only had one basketball in it. At the beginning of lunch he secretly put the sword in the gym bag and ran out of the class with the stealth of a ninja. He didn’t go to the dentist though, he went to the workshop room and met with three other students that will remain nameless. They got to work quickly, polishing and sharpening the sword. They were already finished before the end of lunch. Just as we had planned the sword, now fully sharpened had returned to my desk.
Mr. Yamaguchi walked back into the classroom to find everyone cheering. He smiled seeing me and Jimmy. I was a Samurai and Jimmy was my enemy. I swung my sword and hit into his arm. He let out a scream. The class fell silent. He punched me hard in the nose. I fell to the ground, defeated.
I then took the sword and yelled, ‘I will commit Seppuku just like Mr. Yamaguchi taught us!’ and stabbed the real sword deep into my stomach.
More blood on the classroom floor. Kids screaming. Cindy Wong crying like a baby again. Pain. Yes, a lot of pain. I ran towards Mr. Yamaguchi trying to give him a surprised look. Then everything went black.
I awoke in a hospital a day later to see my Mum looking worried in front of me. My stomach had a huge white bandage over it and it hurt like hell.
She smiled, ‘Oh thank goodness you’re O.K’
I struggled to ask her, ‘But what happened to Mr. Yamaguchi?’
Her answer made me so happy that I forgot all about the pain in my stomach. You looked at me frowning, ‘You won’t be seeing that awful teacher again, he has been fired. Fancy bringing a dangerous weapon to school and what was he teaching you? How to kill yourself? I hope he gets jail time for what he did to you!’
And that was all she needed to say. I closed my eyes smiling listening to her complain about the school. She mentioned all the other teachers I had destroyed, but I wasn’t really listening. My mission was accomplished. Another so-called good teacher was gone and it was all because of me. I was willing to do anything to get rid of him. The class was mine again!
Bring on the next new teacher to destroy!
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